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HumorKenny's Blog

I took a bath last night.

Yeah I know, but I’m retired, it was Tuesday, and these things occasionally happen. We had this idea to luxuriate at the same moment, but seeing as how we don’t have a tub in this old house big enough for two, I chose the upstairs tub.

Actually, she got to the downstairs tub first and started running her water.

About the time I get upstairs with all my supplies: towel, shaving stuff, rubber duck, a “ahem”… bath poof!?!?! (WTF IS WRONG WITH A WASH RAG? I’m a man for God sakes!), she yells from downstairs, “YOU SHOULD TRY ONE OF THESE FIZZY BATH BALLS! THEY’LL HELP YOU RELAX!”

“I’ll leave them at the foot of the stairs!”

As I was already castrated with a bath poof, and being one who doesn’t take relaxation lightly, a fizzy ball didn’t seem like much more of a stretch.

By this time I had shed all my garments, and with re-dressing not being conducive to relaxation, I trudged down the stairs, sans my delicates, to retrieve my fizzy ball; trusting the distance and the lace curtains covering the glass paned front door would at least transform my nakedness into a big pink blur to the neighbors across the street.

By this time Chelle’s been in her tub for 10 minutes. I can hear her topping off her steaming bath for the second time.

I start mine running, settle in at about ankle deep, and plop in my fizzy ball. It’s about the size of a double yolked egg! This is gonna be special! It’s fizzing away, like a huge Alka-Seltzer! Lavender fills my nose as I lie back. Ahhhhh!

It was right about this time I noticed the little black specks fizzing out of the ball and spreading across the water. 


Yes friends, you heard it right. Poppy seeds.

Obviously, some homeopathic vegetarian thought it would be a good idea to add Poppy seeds to fizzy balls. Well I’m here to tell you, it’s the vegetarian equivalent to sand in your ass crack! Who could possibly think this a good idea?

Her: “Because they were $2 at TJ Maxx!”?
Me: ?

I learned a few valuable lessons last night.

1. If you fill the tub past the bottom of the overflow drain, and kick furiously like Jeffrey Lebowski in a tub with a mad marmot, you can remove about a third of a tub of poppy seeds. The rest you’ll have to pick from your scalp, chest hair, arm pits, and ass crack.

2. A 40 gallon hot water heater can only provide enough hot water for 1 (with a couple of top offs) and 1/4 bath tubs.

3. Women might know a bargain when they see one, but they don’t know shit about relaxation.

And 4……I’ll be much obliged if you keep my future poppy seeds to lemon cake, bagels or salad dressing.

Kenny Ellis
the authorKenny Ellis

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